I hope all is well?
I recently went out on a street evangelism with some new friends. To my surprise, God decided to turn the tables and instead of me ministering or praying for a stranger, God ended up ministering to me through my new friend.
God sees what is needed more and will take care of those needs.
My friend prophesied over me as we walked through the shopping centre and parking lot and ministered to me. The thing that stood out for me was two walls in my life that God needed to deal with and sort out.
But before I share with you the 2 walls, let me backtrack just a little and explain something:
I recently went through a lot of difficulty and spiritually wrestled with God on for several weeks. There was also severe spiritual warfare taking place in my life between May 2015 and March 2016. I was making major decisions that I knew God wanted me to make, life changing decisions, and the devil tried everything to stop and prevent me from doing those things; he even attempted to take my life last year, and earlier this year removed my ability to walk for a whole 2 months. However, while the devil was trying to steal the lime-light, the show still ended up being God’s. So many miracles took place as God healed, provided, protected and answered prayers that it simply blows my mind away what happened.
Towards the end of March, after my struggle with my foot injury, I saw the one day in a vision how God to the story book of my life of the last 25 years. He opened it in the middle and with both hands tore the book into 2 and said, “It is finished. The past is in the past. We will no longer write an old story. I am going to start a brand new book with a brand new story for you.”
I was quite blown away by that.
However, before God could start my new story, there were 2 walls that needed to be dealt with, torn down so that I can move forward into the new life that He has for me. I had several sleepless nights this past week as I prayed and spiritually battled until I saw the walls crumble and fall. The 2 walls were:
It is surprising how big a wall can get from disappointment. One brick of disappointment equals one disappointing experiencing and I have plenty of disappointing experiences since childhood.
Disappointments include: promises not kept, people promising to be a friend only to drop me, boyfriends giving false hopes, siblings making and not keeping appointments, lady friends ending a friendship for the sake of a date or a new boyfriend, company’s promise for salary raise along with promotion only to discover that your salary will remain the same, car breaking down every 2 months and costing an entire salary to repair it, people not keeping to their commitments, discovering that I am being used by people, etc.
The list is endless.
I ended up building a very large wall out of my disappointments to protect myself from being disappointed again. However, this wall prevented me from getting close to people and cut my emotions off completely.
The irony of this wall is that I chose to be alone and fight my battles on my own to avoid people from leaving me to be on my own.
I had become so tired of being the one who always reached out to people and the whole “be a friend to have a friend”, only to discover the person didn’t care and had no interest, and in some cases was only “friends” because they could use you to their advantage. I also experienced a terrible blow of cell leaders and people promising to be there and help me with advice and guidance, only to be dropped on my deathbed (which, thankfully, I was able to outlive, thanks to God).
So, I chose the road of loneliness, solitude. I still went out to places with my family and attended church, but I wouldn’t allow people to come near me or even emotionally close. I simply tolerated people, and nothing more.
What I learned in this past week was that I became independent in a very negative sense – I trusted myself to protect myself, instead of turning to God and trusting Him to protect me. A direct quote out of my journal: “I chose to be alone, to fight my battles on my own. Then God said, ‘My dear love, open your heart. Trust me to protect you. Learn to love again.”
Learning to love again means taking the risk of being a friend and allowing people into my life again. Relationships is a risk. Love is a risk. Life in general is a risk. But the adventure and joy that comes with it is definitely worth the risk.
I had to learn to trust God all over again. I had to admit to myself that I was trying to play God in my life by keeping those walls up in my life. So I allowed God to bring down those walls in my life and I have now given him 100% permission to be God in my life. I trust Him fully to protect and guide me.
Yes, we need to practice wisdom and not be afraid to lay down our boundaries where it concerns people. However, we need to know the difference between boundaries and walls.
Walls: a form of hiding in the hopes of protection. No freedom, no joy. Destructive force of relationships, and prevents spiritual and emotional growth. No room for grace, plenty of room for judgement and criticism. Destroys confidence. Possible grounds for pride.
Boundaries: a guideline to do’s and don’ts to protect and keep safe. Cultivates trust and freedom. Invites joy and new possibilities. Plenty of room for grace, and little room for judgement and criticism. Builds confidence. Possible grounds for humbleness.
May you find the courage to tear down the walls in your life and find peace, love and joy as I have.